I had to show Rose that I was willing to put myself on the line if I needed to. And do it myself without asking one of them to do it for me. That I am not a burden, even in these sorts of rituals.
It was dramatically different from being a weed, for sure. Now that I know the weeds were there, and which weeds were there, I know what I would've done. I would've hid in the corner, hoped I didn't get yanked to become a target, and let the sadistic weeds have their way. Then, I would've crawled out saying: "There was nothing I could do." Then, I'd go to check on you, and possibly offer any information I heard in there repeated to you.
...But, that's not what you mean, is it? You mean, were the emotions I inflicted on you similar to how it was for me, when I was inside the game? That is, where I was before I came here?
No. If I was inflicting the emotional state one would have when the game was turned off, it would've just been tortured screaming. This was more like a 'slowly creeping overwhelming dread that you can feel happening, getting progressively worse and worse.' The game being turned off would more be a sudden flash of 'fine one moment, nightmarish wonderland the next,' without a transition.
But, the emotions aren't as bad as the experience in itself when the game is turned off. The trauma of the game being turned off eventually overwhelms the emotions, along with all your other senses. You can only distinguish 'unending torture session' from 'normal' once the thing has ended.
See... you can sort of 'get used' to the game being turned off. You know it'll happen. Once it's happening, you have to accept you're 'along for the ride.' It makes sense, right? If you're captured and you know the jailer likes to torture you, eventually you'll get dead to it. It becomes routine.
The emotion that was inflicted during the ritual was in a sense, worse, because you delude yourself into thinking 'there's still something I can do to stop this... there's a logical base for this enclosing sense of dread happening.' But, there wasn't, other than the fact it was one of the darker extremes of what I've found out Rose can do.
[ He's silent after her explanation, considering it. ]
...I suppose I've experienced both of those emotions at different points, and you're right. The endless torture is much easier to get used to. If I had to pick one to experience again, I would choose that.
But this isn't something I care enough to hold a grudge over. I'm not even sure why I called you.
I was the one who decided on that. I told Rose I'd do it. They warned me that whoever came out, friend or not, would hate my guts for it. And my only thought was "The worst possible person it could happen to would be Zenith... just let it be anyone else."
And, well, of course, it's as if the demon can read your mind.
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Day 84, much later
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...Hello.
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...it was your idea, wasn't it?
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Yes. But, not to harm you specifically.
I had to show Rose that I was willing to put myself on the line if I needed to. And do it myself without asking one of them to do it for me. That I am not a burden, even in these sorts of rituals.
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...
Was that what it was like for you?
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...But, that's not what you mean, is it? You mean, were the emotions I inflicted on you similar to how it was for me, when I was inside the game? That is, where I was before I came here?
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Was that what it was like when the "game" was turned off?
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But, the emotions aren't as bad as the experience in itself when the game is turned off. The trauma of the game being turned off eventually overwhelms the emotions, along with all your other senses. You can only distinguish 'unending torture session' from 'normal' once the thing has ended.
See... you can sort of 'get used' to the game being turned off. You know it'll happen. Once it's happening, you have to accept you're 'along for the ride.' It makes sense, right? If you're captured and you know the jailer likes to torture you, eventually you'll get dead to it. It becomes routine.
The emotion that was inflicted during the ritual was in a sense, worse, because you delude yourself into thinking 'there's still something I can do to stop this... there's a logical base for this enclosing sense of dread happening.' But, there wasn't, other than the fact it was one of the darker extremes of what I've found out Rose can do.
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...I suppose I've experienced both of those emotions at different points, and you're right. The endless torture is much easier to get used to. If I had to pick one to experience again, I would choose that.
But this isn't something I care enough to hold a grudge over. I'm not even sure why I called you.
It just felt like something I should do.
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I was the one who decided on that. I told Rose I'd do it. They warned me that whoever came out, friend or not, would hate my guts for it. And my only thought was "The worst possible person it could happen to would be Zenith... just let it be anyone else."
And, well, of course, it's as if the demon can read your mind.
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...but it's not as if I haven't felt something like that before. I did not enjoy reliving it, but I've made my peace with such emotions already.
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... Azdaja.
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The dragon..? Why?
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Well, I was going to kill her, but she disappeared after I got her arm.
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... Where's the logic, Zenith? Wouldn't all of Clover die?
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[sighs]
Far be it for me to say who you can and cannot kill...
Can you do anything but outright kill her, in the future? Even if you know the eye is shut?
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